Using Pronouns and Gender-Inclusive Language at Work - The Muse

Using Pronouns and Gender-Inclusive Language at Work - The MuseUsing Pronouns and Gender-Inclusive Language at Work Picture this Youre gathered around the coffee machine one morning with a group of yur co-workers when Joe says, You guys missed a great story Robin told while we were manning the conference booth yesterday. No seriously, dude, shes so funny. Sounds normal enough. But read it over again and see if you can spot all the ways Joe mightve unintentionally made people feel uncomfortable or excluded. He probably didnt mean to insult or distress any of his co-workers, including Robin, who actually uses they/them/their pronouns. But the language he chose- referring to a mixed group as you guys, using the gendered term manning instead of a neutral one like staffing, and calling someone by the wrong pronouns- may have done exactly that. (For the record, hypothetical Joe uses he/him/his pronouns.)You, like Joe or any other well-intentioned colleague, might inadvertently be using lan guage that makes people around you feel uncomfortable, othered, or even endangered. But by adopting language that is more gender-inclusive, you can ensure that youre treating all of your co-workers, clients, customers, and any other professional contacts with respect.An integral part of helping employees thrive is creating a space where every individual feels they can bring their full selves to work.Elden SeropianAn integral part of helping employees thrive is creating a space where every individual feels they can bring their full selves to work, says Elden Seropian, a software engineer for product at Asana who co-founded the companys LGBTQIA+ employee resource group, Team Rainbow. (Full disclosure Asana is a current client of The Muse.)Even in supportive environments, many transgender and gender non-conforming individuals can still expect uncomfortable conversations, one of them being around pronouns, they add (Seropian uses they/them/their pronouns). Small tweaks can lead to bette r communication for everyone- whether youre transgender or simply someone with a name that could be mistaken for a different gender between different languages, cultures, or generations.And while you probably know to say things like salesperson instead of salesman, there are plenty of other ways gendered language can creep into our everyday speech and leid only make people uncomfortable, but also unconsciously perpetuate outdated power structures. Its true that this probably isnt a topic anyone at your office was discussing a few years ago (or even today, depending on where you work). But its worth making the effort. With a little learning and a lot of practice, you have the power to help make your workplace more welcoming for everyone. Here are a few ways to start. Dont Assume When it Comes to PronounsIts a habit thats so ingrained, we dont even realize were doing it. Most of us are used to looking at someone, categorizing them into he or she by some unconscious instinct, and then starting to talk about them that way.But a persons name, their clothing, or any other outward signals dont necessarily tell you how that person identifies. That goes notlage just for transgender folks, but those of any gender identity. And being misgendered (referred to in a way that assumes a gender other than the one the person identifies as) can be hurtful, not to mention disrespectful.Perhaps Im guessing a persons pronoun correctly, but its still just guessing, says Beck Bailey, Deputy Director of Employee Engagement for HRCs Workplace Equality Program. When we get it wrong, its awkward and alienating for both parties- the person who misgendered someone and the person being misgendered. When we get it wrong, its awkward and alienating for both parties- the person who misgendered someone and the person being misgendered.Beck BaileyIt can shut down rather than foster work relationships and rapport building within gruppes and companies and, if youre in a customer- or client-facing role, it can even turn away geschftliches miteinander if that person doesnt feel welcome or seen, Bailey says, who uses he/him/his pronouns.So if youre referring to someone before you know what pronouns they use, opt for gender-neutral pronouns (like they/them/their) or none at all (for example, by using their name), until you know more. Because, as Bailey says, nothing is more indicative of respect and basic dignity than talking to someone with the name and form of address they desire.Think, too, about assumptions you make when someones telling you a story about a person you dont know, says Seropian. Did they mention their friend was a doctor or lawyer or a professional in some other historically male-dominated field and you assumed it was a he? Work on getting into practice of using gender-neutral language when a gender hasnt been specified or is not relevant. Ask About Someones PronounsUsing gender-neutral pronouns or repeating someones name is a useful solution, but its only a t emporary one. Continuing to avoid the matter might signal that you dont care to take the time to learn about someone and get it right. Using the correct pronouns is a matter of common courtesy, Seropian says. They point out that beyond the fact that using someones name as the only way to refer to them over time reads as being unwilling to accept a persons pronouns or make an effort, it can also result in some pretty awkward sentences. (Think I was talking to Elden and Elden said that Elden had a cat. Its not great.)One way to proceed is to ask. By doing so, Seropian says, youre demonstrating that you care about addressing them correctly.You might want to try Hey, what are your pronouns?What pronouns do you use?I was just wondering how youd like me to address you.I just want to make sure Im using the correct language to refer to you.Seropian emphasizes that you should avoid any language around preference (such as what pronouns do you prefer?), because correct pronouns arent really a preference, theyre a requirement.Unfortunately, the asking approach can be problematic on multiple fronts. If you only ask people who look trans, you risk singling them out as not passing or bringing them unwelcome attention, Seropian explains. But if you start asking everybody, youll find some cisgender people whose gender identity corresponds with their sex assigned at birth get very offended that you cant tell by looking at them, they add. (In explicitly queer spaces, asking broadly is more expected and accepted, because theres a general understanding that everyone in the room knows you cant tell by looking and are trying to be respectful.)Or Better Yet, Share YoursThe best solution, then, is to lead by example and introduce your own pronouns, then give people space to optionally tell you theirs, Seropian says. I would say, Hi, my name is Elden and I use they/them/their pronouns... Generally if you lead with your own, people who care about you knowing will respond in kind and you dont need to ask.There are also ways people can share pronouns outside of face-to-face interactions. For example, Seropian spearheaded an effort to add a pronoun field to profile settings in the Asana app so that any company using the work management platform could allow workers to share their own and learn those of others whove chosen to do the saatkorn. Generally if you lead with your own, people who care about you knowing will respond in kind and you dont need to ask.Elden SeropianThe same could be done by allowing people to add pronouns to an internal company directory, in job applications, and on name tags at events, or through individual efforts by adding pronouns to Slack profiles, email signatures, Twitter bios, or any other profile or communication. By sharing your own pronouns rather than putting the spotlight on someone else, youre sending a signal that youre inclusive, Bailey says, without singling anyone out. It could help create a safe environment where, over time, co lleagues feel more comfortable sharing how they identify and what pronouns they use. Take the Lead, But Be Smart and SensitiveBailey acknowledges that sharing pronouns is not yet a common corporate practice, explaining that the conversation is driven primarily by younger workers in urban and especially coastal areas, and probably more common in industries such as tech and education than perhaps an area like institutional investing. So while being a proactive ally by sharing your own pronouns might be all the more meaningful in more conservative spaces, your efforts may also carry different risks. As with anything, consider the safety of everyone involved. If youre in a position of privilege- because youre in a management role or simply white, straight, cisgender, a man, etc.- it can be a powerful statement if you take it upon yourself to begin making change by adding your pronouns to your email signature, wearing a pronoun pin, introducing yourself with your pronouns, or even just b ringing up an article you read or someone you know whos come out as transgender or non-binary and informally discussing what youve learned. It might start just with your team but could lead to a larger conversation, and thats what we want.Beck BaileyThat takes maybe a little bravery, Bailey says. But if you have the agency and you want to be a leader, that would be a good way to start, he adds. It might start just with your team but could lead to a larger conversation, and thats what we want.If you have a colleague whos not explicitly out but youre unsure what pronouns they use, you can privately offer your own and ask after theirs. For example, you might say, I really want to be inclusive of everyone in the workplace, and I want to refer to you respectfully. I use he/him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?Seropian adds that if you do chat privately with a colleague you dont know how to address or suspect others are addressing incorrectly, dont forget the next step. If they do turn out to be TGNC (trans or gender-nonconforming), make sure to get clarity around how they want you to refer to them in front of co-workers, as they may not be out at work.React AppropriatelyWhen someone shares their pronouns with you, some appropriate responses, according to Seropian, include Thanks for letting me knowCool, my pronouns are they/them, he/him, etc..To make sure Im using those right, is that like Xe is my co-worker?Great, Ill look up how to use those correctly. Mind spelling them for me?On the flipside, you should avoid doubting a pronoun is real, telling someone the singular they is grammatically incorrect, saying Ill try, but Im going to mess it up, or giving up before you even start and telling them youll just use their name. Beware of Other Gendered LanguageThat may feel like a lot to think about already, but dont forget that pronouns are hardly the only examples of gendered language we use on a regular basis. Think about boarding an airplane or sitting down to have breakfast at your favorite diner, Bailey says. You often hear, Welcome aboard, sir or Good morning, ladies As he points out, these are all meant to be signs of politeness and respect, but they can backfire. If you get them wrong, he explains, youve not only failed to accomplish what you set out to, but also done some damage. Why not just say Welcome aboard or Good morning, everyone using your tone of voice and body language (like a smile) to communicate warmth and respect?Seropian recalls seeing something on Asanas website about recruiting talented men and women to work for the company. I know what youre trying to do here, they thought, but men and women doesnt include me. To the credit of the people responsible for the language, they responded to Seropians email within half an hour and had changed the phrasing on the site. Heres an (incomplete) list of common gendered terms and what you can use instead Instead of you guys, try you all, yall, folks, friends, everyone, peopleInstead of dude, man, and bro, well, how about just ditch those, no replacement necessary?Instead of ladies and gentlemen, try everyone, folks, or nothing at allInstead of men and women, try people, employees, or workersInstead of sir and maam, try nothing at allInstead of man hours, man the door, manpower, etc., try work, staff, or people/person, as in work hours, people hours, staff the door, etc. Instead of mankind, try humankindInstead of freshman, try first-year studentInstead of fireman, congressman, and waitress, try firefighter, legislator, and server (and the same extends to all sorts of professions)Correct YourselfAs dedicated as you may be to using more inclusive language, mistakes are bound to happen once in a while. How you correct yourself is nearly as crucial as what words youre trying to use in the first place. If youre having an in-person conversation and realize right away youve messed up a pronoun, you can easily fix it in the moment, Bailey and Seropian agree. For examp le, you might be talking and say, Hes over there, I mean, theyre over there, or, I was talking to so-and-so and he, sorry she, said such-and-such. Seropian adds that if you make a mistake on Slack, you can quickly edit your message. And Bailey notes that if you find yourself using you guys or another gendered term, you can also make a mental note that you dont want to do that again. But if you get a pronoun wrong on an email thread that includes a whole bunch of people, youll want to carefully consider your next step. Rather than hitting Reply All (which is almost never the right move, whether youre dealing with pronouns or anything else), you might want to make a quick, private apology to the person you misgendered. For example, you could write or say, Hey, I saw that I misgendered you there. I wont do that again, or, I noticed that I messed up, and Im sorry about that. And you can ask them if theyd like you to make a more public correction. Whatever they decide, respect their wish es, but regardless, make sure that the next time you refer to that person in the thread, you use the correct pronouns. But Dont DwellDont make a small mistake worse by dwelling on it. You might instinctively want to keep talking about how sorry you are, or how hard youre trying. But as Bailey explains, when you do that youre asking a person to tell you, Thats okay. Youre ultimately asking them to take on responsibility for educating you and relieving your guilt. Thats a big emotional burden for them to bear, on top of the discrimination, harassment, and other obstacles they may already face.And by doing so, youre ultimately asking them to take on responsibility for educating you and relieving your guilt. Thats a big emotional burden for them to bear, on top of the discrimination, harassment, and other obstacles they may already face. The same goes for questions Remember that no one is actually required to answer your inquiries about being trans or how to be an ally. Instead, put the onus on yourself to do some research. We dont need a big scene, we need folks to work on getting it right, Bailey says. And definitely dont try to explain yourself with a comment about someones deep voice or outfit or whatever. Just own it and move on. Its not about a voice or dress or pants or makeup, he says. Dont make it about that. Its about how people are telling you how they want to be addressed.PracticeDitching old habits and training yourself to adopt new behaviors- including using gender-inclusive language- doesnt happen at the drop of a woke hat. You have to work on it. It takes practice, Bailey says, adding, Im someone whos very aware of this and does this for a living, and I have to really work at not using a gendered reference It is so socialized and so a part of our culture, it does take conscious effort to do it differently.It is so socialized and so a part of our culture, it does take conscious effort to do it differently.Beck BaileyThe good nachrichtensendung is th at the more you offer up your own pronouns, ask people about theirs, avoid other gendered terms and phrases, and make note of and correct your mistakes, the easier itll get. Help One Another Learn and Be AccountableLearning about and practicing using gender-inclusive language (and inclusive language more broadly) doesnt have to be a lonely endeavor. Even if no one else at your job is discussing it explicitly yet, chances are youre not the only one who wants to do better. At Nuna, a healthcare technology company, Bron Lewis facilitated a discussion titled Language Matters Challenging Bigotry in Everyday Vocabulary at the companys annual retreat. In the mere 20 minutes we had to talk about this topic, the watch-your-language Slack channel was born, Lewis wrote in a blog post. The channel was designed to be a space where we could ask questions and support each other as we try to change the language we use to be more inclusive. Employees could opt into the channel to help one another le arn and find a safe space where we could admit to messing up and ask questions without judgment.In another kind of effort, a group of employees at the startup npm made a Guys jar, where people could voluntarily put in a dollar when they said you guys, used another gendered term unnecessarily, or misgendered someone. They decided to give the funds to charity whenever theyd accumulated $50, with their first donation going to Girls Who Code. To circle back to hypothetical Joe, next time hell try to remember to say, You folks missed a great story Robin told while we were staffing the conference booth yesterday. No seriously, yall, theyre so funny. And the better he gets at using gender-inclusive language, the more all of his colleagues will know how much he respects and values them.